Unit 49: A room with a view

1. I can't pay more than five pounds a night.

(A newly married couple is going to have a visitor—Uncle Percy. But they are not happy about it. The uncle is rich, but he never spends any money.)

Husband	There's a letter from my Uncle Percy.
Wife	Uncle Percy? I don't remember him. Was he at the wedding?
Husband	No. You haven't met him and the family doesn't talk about him. They don't like him.
Wife	Oh—why?
Husband	Well, he's very rich, but he never spends any money.
Wife	Oh.
Husband	Oh no! He's going to visit us!
Wife	Good.
Husband	Good? You don't know Uncle Percy. Oh, I could tell you some stories about him ...
Wife	Go on then. Tell me.
Husband	Well, there was the time he went on holiday ...

* * *

Receptionist	Good afternoon, sir.
Percy	Good afternoon. I'd like a single room, please.
Receptionist	Yes, sir. With a bath?
Percy	Yes, yes, with a bath.
Receptionist	For how long, sir?
Percy	For three nights, till the 27th.
Receptionist	A single room with bath until the 27th. Yes, we can do that, sir.
Percy	I'd prefer a room with a view of the sea.
Receptionist	All right, sir. I can put you at the front of the hotel.
Percy	By the way, I can't pay more than five pounds a night.
Receptionist	Five pounds a night! Five pounds a night!

* * *

Wife	What happened?
Husband	Well, he went to different hotels, and at last he found a little room, in a terrible hotel.

* * *

Percy	My room's too cold! I want something warmer.
Receptionist	Certainly, sir. Of course, it will cost rather more ...
Percy	Oh. Well, can I have another blanket?
Receptionist	Here we are.
Percy	Thanks.
Receptionist	That is fifty pence, please.

* * *

Husband	And that's my Uncle Percy,
Wife	Oh, dear.

2. Have you got something cheaper?

(Uncle Percy only buys a suit every ten years, but he still doesn't want to spend much money...)

Wife	Your Uncle Percy can't be always like that.
Husband	Oh, yes, he can. For example, he only buys a suit every ten years, but he still doesn't want to spend any money.

* * *

Assistant	Good morning, sir.
Percy	I want a suit, please.
Assistant	Yes, sir, I can see that. What kind of suit do you want, sir?
Percy	I'd like a dark grey suit.
Assistant	Dark grey—yes, sir. Size?
Percy	Size 38.
Assistant	Very good, sir. Here's a nice dark grey suit, in a hundred percent wool.
Percy	Yes, I like that.
Assistant	A very good suit, sir, and only a hundred and seventy pounds.
Percy	How much?
Assistant	A hundred and seventy pounds.
Percy	I don't want to pay more than thirty pounds.
Assistant	Thirty pounds? For a suit?
Percy	Yes. No more than thirty pounds! Have you got something cheaper?

* * *

Wife	But of course, he couldn't get a suit for that.
Husband	Oh yes, he could!

* * *

Percy

That'll do. Here you are. 30 pounds. One, two, three ...

* * *

Husband

So—if a strange-looking man comes to the door—that'll be my Uncle Percy!

3. It was an Uncle Percy meal.

(At home.)

Husband	You won't believe this, but Uncle Percy took me out for a meal once.
Wife	Really? Was it a good meal?
Husband	It was an Uncle Percy meal ...

* * *

Percy	We'd like roast beef, Yorkshire pudding, potatoes and peas.
Waitress	Very good, sir. Two roast beef, Yorkshire pudding, potatoes and peas.
Percy	One.
Waitress	Pardon, sir?
Percy	I want one roast beef, Yorkshire pudding, potatoes and peas. And two plates. We're not very hungry, are we?
Nephew	No, uncle.

* * *

Wife	He's funny.
Husband	Well, yes. Sad but funny.
Wife	When's he going to visit us?
Husband	He doesn't say. "I'll visit you soon." But he won't come if it costs too much.
Wife	Perhaps he'll get a cheap day return ticket.
Husband	All right. I'll go. Good heavens!
Percy	Hello, my boy.
Husband	Gome in. Darling, we've got a visitor.
Percy	Hello! I'm your uncle Percy!
Wife	Oh!

4. I decided to live a little.

Percy	I'm sorry I wasn't at your wedding. I was ill. I'm all right now. But I thought a lot. Yes, I thought about a lot of things. I decided to live a little before it's too late.
Husband	A very good idea, uncle.
Wife	Yes. You only live once.
Percy	Oh—here's your wedding present. I hope you don't mind money. I didn't want to buy the wrong thing.
Husband	Money's fine, uncle. Thanks very much.